Wow! What a challenging life chapter I am experiencing right now. Perhaps you are too. It feels like I am being forced to accept that everything in my life must go. Loss of so many things and people that have been important to me. Jobs, car, home, stuff, money, and most importantly friends. Lost 2 best friends in the past couple weeks. One was one of the most joyous and wise women I have ever known (and I’ve known a lot of them!). She slipped away from this earth plane surrounded by her amazing husband and 3 beautiful grown sons. She taught me so much about how to live and die gracefully. I feel the loss deeply, especially when admiring the bouquet of pink roses (her favorite and mine) that I took home after a beautiful celebration we had for her life yesterday. She’s gone…but always in my heart.
Another friend was lost to me last week when she decided after an emotional evening spent with me and 2 other friends who met with me to help figure out some of the more challenging decisions and choices I am facing right now in my life. Apparently I acted badly that night, offended her in some way so deeply, and she wrote me an email 2 days later and “fired” me as her friend. She didn’t put it like that of course, just how my energy didn’t align with hers, or some such spiritual condescension. She called me needy, but I call it in need of support and friendship. I admire and love her so much, what a shock to be tossed aside. By email! Feels like getting kicked while I’m down, losing both of these very important women in my life in just a week’s time.
Then, tonight I stepped out of group I belonged to for over a year, a group that meant a lot to me. But, the rest of the group was committed to heading in a direction I could no longer go. They were morphing into something I couldn’t understand. Bittersweet to let go and say goodbye to that sweet, fun group of actors that had been practically my only single spot of laughter and lightheartedness for over a year now.
Two weeks ago, I sold my gorgeous Lexi – a beautiful 2005 Lexus that I bought new when I felt rich, powerful and happy. Ah, how things change. I let go of her because now I feel broke, powerless and sad. I bought a smaller, cheaper, older car, still nice enough though, and got some much needed cash in the process. Practical and some have said, “it’s just a car”, but nevertheless, more loss.
Soon, I will lose my home of 5 years too. Large, beautiful, elegant and comfortable. Plenty of room for me and Austin and the pets and guests or roommates. But without income, I must say goodbye to this place as well. Don’t know where we will live next. Scary.
Yet. Somehow, through all of this, I feel there’s a meaning to it all. A grand divine wiping clean the slate to make way for something more rich, more deep, more meaningful. A test also….how much can I let go of and TRUST that all is well. That I am being realigned to a higher purpose. Retrained in my thinking, striving, “doing” life, in favor of a more calm, peaceful and “knowing” life.
Surrender all the trappings of my former life…..like the very ancient Sumerian Goddess Inanna, shedding her clothing, jewelry on her way down to Hades, one gate one loss at a time. What will she find there? What compels her to keep going? How will she get out? This archetypal dark night is universal I feel. We each pass through these gates at least once a lifetime, if not once every few years (like me!) It’s hard to see the light here, hard to know when and where I will finally emerge.
But reemerge, rebirth, renew, realign, is always what is at work. What is left of me when all is gone? Who will still love me? Who will I be?
Breathe, just breathe.
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